MUM-MEEE!

Dear Mummy,

You can only tune us out for so long.  We've got more endurance than you when it comes to these things.

Love Ollie and Linc xoxo

MY SECOND BIRTHDAY

Dear Mummy,

I love birthdays!  Especially mine.

Big Bird, Elmo and Oscar the Grouch Cupcakes

I want to thank you profusely for the cupcake creations you made last night.  They are really yummy!  Elmo is my favourite one.  Devouring his eyeballs first and then gnawing off his nose is definitely the way to go.  I heard you, rummaging around in the kitchen, late last night and until the early hours this morning, attempting to create those cheeky little characters.  You thought I was sleeping soundly, but I was actually listening to you sporadically mutter those 'adult words' that you endeavor to avoid saying around Ollie and I.  From what I could work out, you became particularly animated over Big Bird's beak and apparently Oscar's eyebrows were 'giving you the sheets' ( ? ).

I also reckon you should have put Daddy in the naughty corner, instead of berating him with a tirade of 'adult words' when he pinched and scoffed a cupcake before you were finished.  The harrowing naughty spot would have been more effective.  It works for us!

Gosh Mummy, you must have vowed to have the patience of a nun this morning.  Today I turned two and Ollie tells me that I have acquired the licence to turn terrible.  Well I certainly tested that theory this morning but I would still like to explain my behaviour.

Firstly, I only woke you up at the crack of dawn to ensure that you had finished decorating my cupcakes.  I have determined that sitting on your head with a full wet nappy, swinging my legs and arms in your face and giggling loudly is a more effective way to force you out bed quickly rather than that silly clock next to your bed.

Secondly, I only pulled random things out of the pantry onto the floor as I was unimpressed that the cupcakes were not a birthday breakfast staple.  I was unable to locate their whereabouts.

Once dressed and taken through the 'good behaviour routine' that we are subjected to each time we are about to venture into the big wide world, to associate with 'real' people, I did make the decision that I was opposed to the selected attire that you had clothed me in for the day.  There was only a small window of opportunity to let you know this too, so I opened it.  Whilst you were in the final stages of getting us ready to depart the house, I thought it was a great idea to sneak outside and do a birthday dance in a couple of those deep muddy puddles that have been accumulating all week from the constant rain.  From previous experience, this also ensures a prompt, yet sometimes harsh response, resulting in a new outfit.

Admittedly, during that limited time of escape, I had another brilliant idea.  By taking one of your shoes with me into that muddy quagmire, it would guarantee that you would think about me, your adorable little two year old, all day and every time your left foot felt that squishy feeling ooze between your toes.   

Mummy, I am astounded as you did not raise your voice once or even threaten me with the naughty corner.  If anything you rewarded me and took Ollie and I to "Krazy Maze" to celebrate my birthday with our little friends, to a magical place considered the 'playground of Eden' or the 'children's utopia'.  All day I raced around, hopped up on sugary cupcakes and running as fast as my little two year old legs could go.  So much to see, so much to do, so many little people to chase ... playtime overload!

I wish I could stay here forever!

Apart from Ollie trying to enforce his 'House Rule Number One', it was the best birthday ever!  Besides the bright and shiny presents, the cake and the excitement, I've also realised that birthdays are like having a 'get out of the naughty corner - free' card.  I'm looking forward to my next birthday now ... I have a year to plan! ;)

Love Linc xoxo

HOUSE RULE NUMBER ONE

Dear Mummy,

I'm writing to you to express my disappointment and pure frustration about a very serious issue that has arisen. ‘House Rule Number One’ is being severely breached.   This matter needs to be brought to your attention and resolved immediately.  I firmly suggest a family meeting is assembled to address this blatant disregard of the house rules.

Everyone, including you Mummy, appears to have conveniently forgotten 'House Rule Number One' and we must assure that we’re all on the same page so that this travesty does not continue.  As certain family members, namely Linc, continue to show disrespect for this rule and its guidelines, I have outlined these below.

To be clear and to reiterate:  House Rule Number One:

EVERYTHING IS MINE!!

I have decided that this rule obviously needs to be explained so that there are no further discrepancies or inconsistencies. 

Examples of things that are MINE include, but not limited to …
1.   Dipping Sauce – No one is to dip into my tomato sauce, use the bottle or go anywhere near it.
2.   MY Toys – Linc does not have permission to touch, play with, sniff, lick, go near or even look at any of my toys.
3.   Linc’s Toys – There is no such thing.  All toys are MY toys.
4.   Glasses of Wine  -  No, they’re mine too.  This also includes any adult drink or beverage.
5.   All Remote Controls - TV, DVD player, Air-conditioner...
6.   The TV  –  Linc, specifically, is not allowed to go near or touch the on/off button.
7.   TV Shows - Only the ABC2 channel is allowed to be selected.
8.   The dog, both cats, the fish and any other oblivious creature that happens to wander into our residence.
9.   The Washing Machine  -  Nothing is to be placed in this contraption without my prior knowledge.
10.  The Wheelie Bin  -  See Number 9.
11.  Daddy's Socks - These are not to be removed without my assistance.
12.  Food – With the exception of vegetables.
13.  Mummy’s Phone – This is reserved for my games and entertainment only... and the occasional gibberish text message to Mummy's friends.
14.  The Vacuum - All brooms and mops too.
15.  All Birthdays - Not negotiable.
16.  Bath Toys - I will loan these out, for short periods of time, as I deem necessary.
17.  Anything Linc plays with or finds remotely interesting.
18.  Anything Mummy or Daddy have, that they wont let me have.

Everything listed above is MINE.  Anything not included on the list is also MINE.  If it isn't considered MINE, then it is MY job and it's always MY turn.  If it is none of these, then it is simply all about ME.

To clarify, please see the below "A Toddler's Rules of Possession", as they apply here also.

Source:  http://sippycupsandchardonnay.com/?p=2110

 DISCLAIMER:

If any of these rules are broken, I reserve the right to scream uncontrollably.  This may result in puffy red cheeks and eyes, and may provoke big rolling tears.  I also reserve the right to start flinging my body around, whether into a sobbing lump on the floor or to start thrashing about and hollering “MINE” in a repetitive obnoxious fashion.  I am not responsible for the spontaneous actions of my arms or legs.  If little brothers get in the way, then that is their own fault and they should be held liable.  If there is a breach of this contract, do not be surprised if I seek legal action for being forced into that dreaded place you call the “Naughty Corner”.

Mummy, I hope this helps to resolve the continuing conflict and assists in restoring harmony to our household so that we can all just get along … on my terms. 

I look forward to hearing your prompt response about the proposed family meeting.

Love Ollie xoxo

PHONE SWAP - A NEW GAME

Dear Mummy,

You know how we wrote you a letter (Phone Games) expressing our frustration with your inconsiderate behaviour and your severe hearing loss that results whenever you pick up the phone?  Well we found a new game and a far more effective way to help solve that issue altogether;  Phone Swap!

Last night, the look on your face was priceless when you reached to pick up your usual handset and found this instead... 

We're never going to tell you which one of us did this.  You will just have to decipher our discerning giggles to find your culprit.  Judging from your funny reaction though, we think you like playing this game too.

As for your 'real' phone, it will not be held hostage for too long and it can be found in the last place you will probably look.  Sorry we didn't help you search for it, but that's just all part of the game.  By the time you receive this letter though, if it's still missing in action, you might discover it buried deep in one of our toy boxes.  Also, don't worry, we have only attempted to call overseas a few times, random family members twice and managed to prank call your mobile once.

Furthermore, we are in agreement that it's only fair that our little red phone gets a turn to charge up as well.

Love Ollie and Linc xoxo

JUST HAVING A BIT OF FUN

Dear Mummy,

Remember when you asked me to pick up my toys which were scattered randomly across the lounge room this morning?  Do you remember how I responded? 

Well, I jumped out from behind a chair, with a reckless smirk on my face, planted my feet wide apart and assumed an aggressive sumo stance.  After pointing my finger at you, like a water pistol, I stuck my tongue out and blew as much air from my little lungs as I could expel.  As a result, a rather loud and sudden raspberry noise shot out in your general direction. 

Please understand that this absurd noise caught me by surprise too.  I just wanted to let you know that I did not mean anything by my impulsive actions. I was just having a bit of fun!

Love Ollie xoxo

BOB THE BUILDER

Dear Mummy,

Sometimes I wonder which one of us has the Bob the Builder obsession!?  I'm pretty sure that even Bob's Mummy would make him take off his hat and goggles when he takes a bath. 

Being a good sport though, and not wanting to disappoint you, I went along with your shenanigans. I even tried to make you happy and bring my cordless drill and screwdriver to the pool party too, but for some strange reason, these items were rejected. 

I'm suspicious that black cat is laughing at me though.  Please don't make me wear this to playgroup.

Love Linc xoxo

PHONE GAMES

Dear Mummy,

Why is it, when we really want to show you something important, or ask you urgent questions, or need to tell you some vital information, or the minute we want to share a monumental discovery, you decide to pick up the phone?  Mummy, we find it very inconvenient that you choose that precise moment to divert your attention down a small plastic block, that you call the "fone", at the same vital instant we need to communicate with you.

For some unknown reason you don't answer our earnest questions.  We think it's due to one of your ears already being occupied that you don't really hear us, which is why we just talk louder.  Sometimes we have to resort to squeaking at high decibel levels, that even dogs are repelled by, because we are worried you have lost your ability to hear.  At times we try to address this issue by tugging at your arms, fingers, hair or whatever else is accessible at the time.  Last time Daddy was on the phone, his hearing was so bad that we had to pull his pants down and be dragged the length of the hallway to get his attention.

We also don't understand why you move from room to room, with the phone pressed tightly against one ear and your finger wedged down the other.  As if your hearing isn't bad enough!  We don't mind this so much because one of our favourite games is to play 'follow the leader' with you.  Currently we are champions at this game and pride ourselves at being able to stick close to your heels no matter how fast you move.  Regardless of which room you go to though, your hearing never improves as our questions go unanswered.

Mummy, we love it when you decide to go outside with the phone, because this means we can hop on our bikes and crunch the gravel on the concrete beneath our big plastic wheels.  It's really funny, because most of the times when we do this you actually take your finger out of your ear and start waving your arms around like a crazy lady.  We haven't worked out if you are encouraging us to go faster on our trikes, doing one of your funny dances or whether you are chasing flies away or being attacked by invisible moths.  Linc thinks you're dancing and I think it's the moths.
 

We do wonder why though, that whenever we play with the phone you chase us around the house, telling us to put it down and not call overseas, yet when you pick up the phone, we try to return the favour and ask you to speak to us instead of the phone, you just tell us to "Ssshhhh!" or blurt out short cranky sentences.  We know you don't like to have something you call "two-reds" syndrome when you're on the phone but we figure, when you have that severe hearing loss, it's our chance to climb that sharp massive rock in the backyard, or to continue our wrestling match, or to find out how long the cat's tail will stretch or to help you complete and send that email you were working on.

However, we do like it when you play that "Ssshhhh" game with us.  Mummy, you may as well give up because we win every time.  We can always say "Ssshhhh" louder and the longer than you do and we even manage to generate spit bubbles when we do it.  We've never seen you do that, but it does make you start flailing your arms about as you begin to play "follow the leader" again.  Gosh Mummy, you're funny! 

Don't get us wrong though.  We really love that little plastic block with those really cool buttons that beep and light up, which is why, when it makes loud noises, we drop whatever we're doing and scamper from all corners of the house to answer it first.  Another game we're good at winning.

Love Ollie and Linc xoxo